wow, here we go. I believe I want my marriage to work. Those words have a lot of meaning. I kind if wonder if I MEAN them. I don't know where I was goig with that. I love my husband or I think I do. When we fight sometimes I think "man I'm glad I don't have to try anymore". I don't want to think that, but I do. No sense in denying the truth. Is there ultimate truth? I think so but that's kinda deep to contemplate right now.HHHHH well,I'm lost again. Let' see here IIIII know I ove my kids and they deserve a family that is together.We really don't fight though, my husband and I we just give looks and say things under our breath most of the time. I bet the kids can feel the stress even if they can't hear the words. I don't want to let them down. God gave them to us for a reason and I cant figure out what that was. If everything was going to fall apart(and I believe He knew it was going to) why did he ave to give us 4 kids? Wouldn't it have been better to put them in a family that is intact and will stay that way? What does it teach them if we split up? Give up? Why can't we be better? Why can't he change? Why can't I see my flaws so easily? Is it really me and I'm just blaming him? Or do I take on the responsibility that should be his? I don't know. Most of the time I'm confused about why we can't live together but then he moves back in and I'm miserable before long and I remember why I made him leave. I can't even remember now. It's been so long dealing with this and I'm supposed to stick to my guns. Tat's what everyone else says. But isn't that sticking to their guns? Why can;t I make my decisions? Why does it matter what anyone else thinks? Why do I try to impress them? They don't live y life. YEs, they love me and support me where they can but they don't take over where I end. And I'm coming up short more and more often.I
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Jennifer,
ReplyDeleteYou have to do what is best for you and your family not what is best for everyone else. I speak from experience when I say living in a toxic environment is horrible. God does have a plan. If you ever want to talk let me know.
Maggi
I honestly don't have any experience in your shoes on this one. I have never been married and have no kids, so I don't fully understand the weight of responsibility those things bring. My parents did divorce when I was pretty young. At first it was kind of shocking, but as time went on I grew to accept it for what it was. I never harbored any lasting resentment toward either parent. I think it's good you have your faith and network of family and friends to help you stay strong through it all. Very intriguing free-write, lots of words too!
ReplyDeleteMarriage is hard - I know this from personal experience. I have been divorced once and my 2nd husband and I have been married for 5 years now and we have had some difficulties along the way. I won't go into details but I can tell you for the last 3 years it has been a fight every step of the way. We also have 4 children - 2 together and 1 each from our previous marriage. All I can tell you is to hold on to God and he will take care of everything! Not sure what that outcome maybe, but He will never leave your side. This hasn't always been easy for me to remember over the last few years and I have the same struggles that you have talked about. But I do believe that God wants me to stay where I am and so I trust in Him to get me through the difficult times. Do what is best for your children and you and stay focused on your relationship with God. I came from a divorced home so I always struggle because I didn't want my kids to be in the same situation. And I already failed once. I also really like your layout of your blog page - but one small suggestion, you might change the color of your comment responses. They are really hard to read in the gray on purple background.
ReplyDeleteReading your blog, my heart breaks with you and for you. I have been at the point with my husband where I wanted to throw in the towel. Last November was a time. It was our final point. Once a year or so we would get into a big blow up over something stupid and it would end with the d word (Divorce, something that is now taken out of our vocabulary). We have wonderful resources that even when we didn’t want to fight for our marriage anymore, they wanted to fight for it with us. Last November I didn’t care anymore, he didn’t care anymore. Things were never going to change, and we were tired of it. We started biblical marriage counseling and it has been wonderful to walk through that. The first thing I learned are the things he was doing wrong, were actually the unrealistic unspoken expectations I set on him. Philippians 2:3 says "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, rather in humility value others above yourselves" That was huge for me and when I started living that our lives changed drastically. Sometimes I felt God prompting me to do things that were humbling and unselfish. (Selfishness is my biggest sin). I was feeling like when he got up for work, occasionally I would feel I should get up and iron his clothes for him. I found that when I started doing things out of my way, he wasn’t appreciative and even was suspicious about it. It was discouraging, but I didn’t give up. It was the normal things. He is closest to the light switch, so if we were in bed and the light needed turned off, I would ask him too. He was closer and it made more since. That scripture revealed to me, I should value him, above myself and asking him to do that was just lazy on my part. Slowly the more I stuck with this living Philippians 2:3 thing, the more he came around and started noticing and accepting it. I also had little things, like I want him to tell my I’m pretty, but I don’t want to tell him, "tell me I’m pretty", because then it is not sincere. So, I had all of these unreal unspoken expectations, so if he got home and I had my hair/makeup done and he didn’t say anything, I was hurt. Now later, we are just realizing the difference in men and women. When he gets home, he notices that I am dressed up, just because he doesn’t mention it to me, doesn’t make me less attractive and it doesn’t make him notice me more. He just tells me I am beautiful all the time and he didn’t know that a few words of affirmation would be that beneficial. Communication is key. Sorry this is so long, but my final word of advice for you. Do not worry about what he is not doing. Worry about what you can do. Do everything with his best interest in mind, and your love for him will grow in your heart.
ReplyDeleteP.S. My husband and I know that God works things for the good for those who love God and who are called to his purpose, and we also know god has plans to prosper us and to give us hope and a future. We have made the decision that divorce is absolutely under no circumstances (outside of biblical infidelity) is divorce an option. We are just walking and living in faith, even that when things suck in our day to day and marriage, that we are just in a season and if we focus our eyes on God and each other instead of on ourselves, everything goes much smoother and our expectations are much more realistic.
I think the work you put into your marriage is by far the toughest to stick to. Both parties are working hard for a while really making an effort and then something happens and it backslides. I have been down this road several time since I've been with my wife and everyday is a challenge it makes it even harder with me being gone all the time, but we have to just learn when to admit fault and apologize. The hardest part for us is when I come home for 2 weeks because by the time I can adjust to being home I'm leaving again and that makes everything harder when you have to say hellp and goodbye so fast and so often. Hang with it and in the end you have to do what is best for you and your family. Happiness is what you make it and it surely isn't free.
ReplyDeleteJennifer, I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. God gave you 4 children with this man whether it was meant to work out or not. They were meant to be. He gives us trials and hardships that make us stronger. I hope everything works out for you as they are meant too. I wish you and your family all the peace and happiness you deserve. Be strong!
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