Research Questions Freewrite

1.  What place do herbal, homeopathic, dietary or activity-based remedies have in modern American medicine?
 When I looked up this topic, there was a ton of online resources to use. Some, it seemed, were owned by the "natural side" of huge corporations. But there were great examples of companies that are smaller and looked truly concerned for the authenticity of their products. I was especially interested in the "how to" websites. The ones that tell you how to do your own version at home for a remedy or whatever they were discussing. After all, that is kind of the point of a home remedy, not having to buy everything ready-made. I did find some sites that were warning people away from natural remedies, but that makes me wonder what they have to gain by people not trusting the earths remedies.

2.  What impact does small-scale gardening and animal husbandry have on individual wellness?
While researching this question, I came across some really creative ideas on how to do these things in cramped spaces and even when you don't own your own home. I also came across some really good arguments as to why people(especially people under the poverty level) might not be able to do either of these. It was interesting because most of the time, we as people feel like we are not operating under a certain set of assumptions, until they're pointed out to us. I can see how this particular approach would be hard to set up or maintain for an urban community, so their wellness program may have to rely more on the other options I am looking at here


3. How does eliminating preservatives and chemicals used in food manufacturing have a positive impact on how our bodies work?
I got a lot of information with this search that was interesting relating to how our bodies assimilate food and the chemicals contained in it. I found it interesting that synthetic vitamins are basically wasted money because our bodies can't recognize the vitamins and minerals they contain because they are synthetic, so we flush them out in our waste. That's some really expensive pee considering how much most of us spend on vitamins and supplements. It's the same with a lot of our foods. Although most of our grocery-store-bought food has been genetically altered, most of the time it is still close enough to the original that our bodies will recognize it as food. The problem with that is, when our bodies break it down to use as energy, it also breaks down the pesticides and growth chemicals and store it in our fat cells as energy for later, making our bodies toxic. So when it does decide to use the stores of energy, it breaks down toxins as well as fat and feeds it to our cells. This causes premature fatigue and body toxicity.
 
4. What difference can each of us make on our environment by making more natural choices?
This search was one of the more productive that I did as far as concrete steps to reduce our impact on the environment. There were several sites that gave tutorials on how to avoid impacting the world around us negatively. It was also informative on how the thing we choose to do affect everything like a chain reaction. Unfortunately, this was also the most elusive search I did for concrete results. There was a lot of theory on what would happen if "we all did our part" but not much real evidence to support the ideas that were put out there, I found that to be disappointing.


5.  How do individual natural lifestyle choices impact the community and the greater population? 
For this search, when I typed "inter-generational living", it was less of a how-to than the others I've done. It concentrated more on the care of senior citizens and not on the whole family benefits, so that was a bit disconcerting. As I read on though, there were several books that look promising for this information. There was a lot more information on the sociological effects of urban gardening and animal husbandry. That was very interesting because it seems there is a good deal of research on the subject in recent years that is promising.

Passionate Freewriting- Cooking

I can't cook simply. I try very hard to simply cook, but it's just not in me. Opening a can and pouring it into a pan does nothing for me(or my family for that matter). Why buy bread when you could make your own honey whole-wheat, sunflower and flax seed, wheat germ version for a fraction of the price? Why buy a can of soup or chilli when you could saute all the ingredients together with some garlic and onion to infuse the whole dish with flavor? I guess I just don't buy into the line that "easier is better". There are so many times that I know I should slap some peanut butter and jelly on some store-bought bread and call it lunch, but I just can't bring myself to do it! I've tried! I find myself baking a lemon garlic pork tenderloin with rosemary(fresh from my garden, of course) roasted potatoes for my 2, 3 and 5-year-old's lunch! I guess I figure, why eat when you could EAT!! When you have the option of flavoring your food with spices and herbs, why go bland? Go big or go home, right? I admit, it's a problem...but a tasty one!

Passionate Freewrititng- Choices on Where and How to Labor and Give Birth

I think that women should have the choice to labor and birth however she chooses. It's only in the last five years that Missouri women could chose to have a midwife attend her home birth without worrying that the midwife was committing a felony! In the culture in which we live today, it is very unusual to be given many choices surrounding this most sacred of journeys. Labor and birth is a powerful right of passage and I think women should think about it a little more than most of us do today. In advocating for the choice to birth at home, with or without assistance, with or without medication, whomever present that the mother chooses, I also advocate for the option to have a highly medicalized birth as well. Though I don't think the latter is the best option for most women and their families I do think it should be available to those who desire or medically require it. Birth is a natural process that women have been doing without doctors for centuries. While the fledgling profession of medicine was still using leaches and blood-letting, induced vomiting and using electroshock treatments, women all over the world were giving birth to babies at home, in their own environments, in perfect safety. 

Passionate Freewriting- Learning to Live Naturally Within a Modern Society

I think that we have lost something by not being able to do things for ourselves anymore. I think we should know what raw milk tastes like. and that you can skim the cream off the top and make butter and buttermilk from it. Or add cultures to the skimmed milk and make cheese and whey...and then you can ferment other foods with the whey! I've been learning about so many things like this recently and I'm so impressed. But I' also disappointed that we have gotten so far from self-sufficiency. I like to garden but I desperate want to be good at it. I read a great book a couple years ago called "Radical Homemakers" by Shannon Hayes. It's such an easy read and it does a great job of giving options on how to incorporate traditional preparations(of food, clothes, energies) into our normal lives. I would recommend this book to anyone looking to return a bit to the basics.

10 Things I am Passionate About

1. I am passionate about my marriage succeeding
2. I am passionate about parenting my children well
3. I am passionate about loving lost people and introducing them to Christ
4. I am passionate about women having choices on where and how to labor and give birth
5. I am passionate about learning to live naturally within a modern society
6. I am passionate about doing hair and makeup
7. I am passionate about loving my friends and family
8. I am passionate about arts and crafts/ home decorating
9. I am passionate about cooking
10. I am passionate about being silly

Blogging Assignment Reflection

This assignment was challenging in many ways for me. Beginning with the very thought of setting up my own blog. I have never been very computer savvy so it was a scary prospect to even start. I was pleasantly surprised at how easy the process was; Blogger was very easy to use and navigate through. It made a big difference in my confidence level. I quite enjoyed the freewriting I was able to compose for this assignment. It did prove more difficult than I originally anticipated to write every day and I found that I was not able to devote enough time to it in the end. Admittedly, some of the post topics I chose were to meet the required amount for the assignment(which I ended up not meeting anyway!). I chose these options because they looked easy and they turned out to be some of my hardest posts, they required a lot more thinking than the personal examples I wrote.

It's funny to look at something that seems ordinary and see later how God chooses to use it. I went into this task pretty excited about practicing freewriting and I really enjoyed the part of the assignment that allowed me the freedom to choose my own subjects. As you probably noted, some of my subjects were very personal in nature. And they were true. Posts like " I Believe I Want My Marriage to Work", "Jennifer- The Inconsistent", and "When I'm The Problem Now" are shining examples of this. Probably the biggest decision I've ever made, shown step-by-step, in real time. What I will always remember about this class and the work is that The Lord used it to change my life and my marriage. Through freewriting I was able to pull realities out of my emotional turmoil and see the truth of how I really feel on paper. I believe this is a skill I will use for the rest of my life. 

Thank you for the introduction.

What I Would Actually Do With a Free Day- Freewriting

First of all, I would not nurse. All. Day. Long. For the last six years I have been either pregnant or breastfeeding or both. It's not that I don't love the relationship it builds and all the quiet bonding time. Or that I don't think it's the best(and cheapest) way to feed a baby. But I am tired and I would like to have just one day that I do not have to schedule around the needs of a three-month-old and when he needs to eat.  I also wouldn't change one single diaper. Not before I left or when I came back. I have had my fill of diapers to last a lifetime and I have countless more in the foreseeable future.

Second, I would go shopping, just window shopping for the most part. I would go to stores that don't carry groceries and general merchandise so I only had to stop once. I would go to stores where I only want to get one thing out of the whole store. I would go to stores that don't have carts. I would go to stores where I just want to browse and I know on the front end that I will not be buying anything in that store, but it will not be a waste of my time like I would normally consider it to be. 

Next, I would get a good book and take myself to lunch and read my book. I would take as long as I wanted and not cut ANYTHING into tiny bites so no one chokes. I might even order dessert or get a coffee and sit in a chair at the shop where I bought it and finish reading my book. 

Fourth, and possibly my favorite part of this dream day, I would walk around Hobby Lobby. For hours, without worrying that my kids and husband are getting bored. I wouldn't be concerned about staying away from the glass because someone might break something. I would go through every isle and get everything I need for any project that caught my attention. Especially if this day took place around Christmas time. I could spend hours and hours just with the Christmas sparkles.
 
Finally, I would round out the day with a pedicure. The good one, not the quick one. I would take in every second, get all the add-ons and then tip the pedicurist very well for taking on such a monumental task! 

Once I got home, I would take a deep breath and go to bed early to prepare to go back to my normal crazy-great life.

Potato Number Four- Freewriting

"C" is my Fourth Potato, the baby(so far at least...). When I had my first baby I was shocked that she came equipped with her very own unique set of likes and dislikes, preferences that would develop into her personality. I thought all babies were essentially the same and could be treated that way until they figured out they had choices(much later in life).  Each of mine have been so original.

Tiny Mr. "C" is the most easy-going person I've met. He's only three-months-old but those of you that have strong willed or laid back children can all look back and realize they asserted themselves from the very beginning. "C" he's cool as a cucumber. Content to lay back and watch the world, taking it all in. He's cries when he's sleepy and wants to be put down to drift off on his own and that's about it. He's been my most difficult baby to nurse(which is odd because you'd think experience would trump a newborns preferences) because he wants a front row seat to the world. He doesn't want to be covered or turn away for too long because he might miss something. 

He's been an easy baby other then that and I thank God daily for it. He knows what we need, when we need it. Having a fourth child has turned my world upside down. Three kids seemed like nothing, still does. But going anywhere with four is near impossible and frequently the only reason I can accomplish anything is "C" is content to lay there and take in his surroundings which allows me enough time to hog-tie the other three so we can grocery shop! 

I've really tried to slow down again and take in all the baby stages. Who knows? We're not guaranteed to have another child and what if this is the last time I have a newborn who stays curled in that tiny baby-ball with his little butt sticking out when I pick him up? What if these are the last, first smiles we get? And they are great smiles I tell you! His mouth takes up half of his face when he gets really happy! And he sticks out his little baby tongue and drools everywhere. 

It's amazing to see how much he loves his siblings too. I've never seen a baby who is as content laying in his sister's bedroom while his siblings all play around him like this one does. He just enjoys them and almost seems to join in with his smiles and babbling. His sister(my oldest, One Potato) has taken a special liking to him. She would take him everywhere she goes if I allowed it. Most of the time she pretends that she is his mommy and they are going about their everyday lives. I hope she plays this way because it's what she sees, she is such a good pretend mommy and "C" enjoys every second of the attention he gets. He is my joy. What a blessing, Little "C", my Potato Number Four.

Three Potato- Freewriting

What can I say about "S"? He's my Three Potato and Mr. Personality. He was unexpected, but not unwanted. A timing surprise but certainly not unintended. He's twenty months younger than my second born and thinks his 20 lb frame can take on his older brother who's twice his size. 

I named him what I did because I saw "S" in a dream and knew that baby was him. Even as late as during my labor we were debating names, as my husband wasn't sold on this one. But he was one of those babies that you hear about. When I saw him, I knew who he was, he was the baby from my dream. He was "S". It's funny that I saw him before he was born because he looked nothing like his two older siblings. He was an original and I knew it before we ever met.

This child is a ladies man and he's got the eyelashes to prove it. A total flirt who bats his eyes and winks at girls. He loves being the center of attention and is never too shy to entertain anyone who happens to be watching. I love to see him play with his siblings, he adds his own touch to everything. He would never just go with the flow, he has to make himself known. And he thinks his older brother is super cool. He's always following him around and trying to get in on the games that he's playing. They also fight like crazy sometimes but I guess it wouldn't be normal if he didn't try to insert something of his ideas in the activities. Sometimes he pays dearly for having original ideas but that's what happens when your older brother is twice your size and you pick a fight!

One of my favorite things about him is his love of music. He just turned two but this has been obvious since he was tiny. Sometimes the only way to calm him down was to crank up the Veggitales Lullabies and let the vibrations rock him to sleep. Now it's so fun to see how he reacts to music, it simply moves him. He hears a beat and can't control the movement, he has to dance to the rhythm. He gets his little shoulders bopping and swivels around the room with his diapered bottom. His foot work is pretty impressive for an adult, let alone a toddler. He just lights up when he hears music, even dances to the sound of my bread maker or beats his own rhythm out on anything that will make a good loud noise. I can't wait to see who this kids turns out to be. I know it will be nothing the world has ever seen before, my little "S", my Three Potato.

Two Potato- Freewriting

"I" is my second born, Mr. Two Potato. When he was born, only my mom knew that he was a boy. We had and ultrasound done but didn't want to know the baby's sex, my mom couldn't stand the wait so we let the technician write it on a piece of paper and swear my mother to secrecy. She said it was no fun knowing when no one else did. 

I was fully expecting a girl and out came little "I" just 14 months after our first. He was born in the water at my midwife's house and  was precious in every way. On our way home later that day, he stopped breathing and turned blue. I had just given birth so when we stopped to get a drink on our way home I stayed in the car, so I was alone with him when it happened. I was so afraid. I called my midwife and she calmly led me through exactly what to do. Twenty seconds later he was breathing just fine and sleeping like nothing had happened. That was the longest minute of my life and a defining moment for us. I try to treasure every moment with him because it reminds me I almost didn't get them at all.

He was a very easy baby to handle most of the time. Joyful is an understatement! His precious little eyes smile right along with his mouth to this day. They go all half mooned when he breaks out laughing! He's a heart breaker. 

Being a middle child myself I've tried to make it a priority to include him in things, just in life in general. I don't ever want him to feel lost in the middle like I did most of the time growing up. He has so much to offer and is such a neat kid. He's smart in a down-low kind of way. He knows things that you'd never suspect and he won't reveal that he knows it until he's ready. He's shy in public, but smiley as always. His passion run just as deep when he's upset as it does when he's happy. That boy has a temper. But he's so sweet, most of the time you'd never know it. 

He's my cuddler. I was amazed after having a girl the first time around at how adventurous he was! He was all over the place but he would always come back to cuddle. Crawling off of things and exploring every little corner, putting everything in his mouth. But there always comes a moment in the middle of playtime when his posture and expression changes, he puts down his toys and comes to sit on my lap. I live for those moments. 

He still experiences the world through his mouth though. He is almost four and I got a call from his daycare teacher a few months back, saying he ate a penny. I talked to him about it later and he told me he didn't eat it, he simply put it in his throat. He was convinced of his own logic. I love that kid. Mr. "I", my Two Potato.

One Potato-Freewriting

A is my first born, my One Potato. She is now five-years-old and so smart. She's beautiful too. She loves to play with her brothers(especially when she gets to be the boss). She loves to laugh and tickle and get tickled. She is very funny, says the most insightful things sometimes. 

She amazes me daily with the questions she asks. She has three younger brothers, so she's not unfamiliar with pregnancy and birth. I suppose doing things the way we do and having the attitude that they are just normal parts of life probably contribute to her curiosity regarding these subjects. When she was almost four she asked me "where do babies come from?" I started the typically vague answer of "when a mommy and a daddy love each other and get married..." but she was not satisfied with that. She said,"No, I mean how do they get here? How do they get out of their mommies tummy?" Now, I have have friends who have given silly answers about belly buttons and magic and simply "the doctor does it", but my husband and I made a commitment never to lie to our children, so I was faced with a real-time decision of what "not lying" looked like. I told her they come out of their mommy's privates. This answer satisfied her. And a few days later, I was approached by a friend who's daughters now know exactly how babies exit their mothers wombs and that Santa Clause will not be visiting them this year because he is not real...oops. This is just one story of how particular she is. 

When she was tiny, just over a year old, she had the best vocabulary I've ever heard from a child that young. I'd like to take credit and say it's because we did everything right. But it is just due to her being so daring when it comes to her mind. She was never afraid to try and say a word, even a new, hard one. When she was 2-and-a-half, she told me "my esophagus hurts, you know, the inside of my neck". She just amazes me! 

It's been so fun to be her mommy, to be a person she looks up to and wants to be like. I hope I don't fail her. Not that I never want to fail because I think it's a valuable lesson to see your parent screw up and then the process of taking responsibility and fixing things. I just don't want to screw her up, you know? She's so great how she is, I don't want to get in there and muck it all up. I want A to just be A, my One Potato.

When I'm the Problem Now- Freewriting

This post is a follow up to a previous post...

I like to think that I am not the problem. I didn't start out to be the problem so how could I be the problem now? When did I become the 'bad guy'? I thought all I was doing was reacting to what he did. I guess I kind of convinced myself that's what I was doing. 

Suddenly I had specific requirements and goals that had to be met. 'Suddenly' is probably the wrong word; gradually is a better description. I gradually convinced myself there was no other way but mine to do things. I slowly and gradually convinced those around me that I was right. Maybe I actually was right at one point. I think that I started off with the right intentions of wanting to fix things. But the more I talked about it and mulled it over the more I thought I needed a set of rules to fix things. Not rules for me, mind you, rules for him. 

Only for him.

Because he was the problem. His problems were the problem. All I was doing was trying to fix things, right? The longer I allowed myself to believe this, the worse it was. The more convinced I became, the further I went on a road that doesn't usually allow u-turns. And I was taking all my friends with me. I didn't want to be caught without support in that situation, right? But I was still concerned about him. Him having the support he needed for what I was going to do to him. 

What do you do when you are the one hurting yourself? Pushing too hard for something you're supposed to want, but just don't.

This one just caught me. In the words of my favorite artist:

    "Well everybody's got a story to tell.
      And everybody's got a wound to be healed.
      I want to believe there's beauty here.
     'Cause oh I get so tired of holding on.
     I can't let go, I can't move on.
     I want to believe there's meaning here.

     How many times have you heard me cry out "God please take this!"?
     How many times have you given me strength to just keep breathing?
     Oh I need you, God I need you now

     Standing on a road I didn't plan.
     Wondering how I got to where I am.
     I'm trying to hear that still, small voice.
     I'm trying to hear above the noise 

     How many times have you heard me cry out "God please take this!"?
     How many times have you given me strength to just keep breathing?
     Oh I need you, God I need you now

    Though I walk through the shadows
    And I am so afraid
    Please stay, please stay right beside me 
   With every single step I take 

    How many times have you given me strength?
    Oh I need you, God I need you now"

                                            - Tiffany Arbuckle Lee
                                                  Plumb(you should definitely YouTube her!)

Sometimes it just takes music...

Make a list of things that are 6 inches long- Freewriting

Hmm...
1. Hot dogs( is that two words or one?)
2. pencils that have been sharpened
3. Ball jars
4. this is harder than I thought it would be
5. kids tooth brushes
6. my hair cutting shears
7. small chef's knife
8. bingo dobbers
9. my crochet hooks
10. 3 of the 7 candles on my mantle
11. VHS tapes
12. the dandelions in the yard we mowed yesterday
13. most pregnancy tests(wow, that one was weird!)
14.
OK seriously, this list is extremely hard, the hardest I've done yet! I find myself pausing to think after every item on the list. I don't think that's actually considered freewriting since I'm supposed to write without stopping...
14. Redken Iron Guard
15. My Happy perfume bottle
16. the middle of my face(yes, I just did a rough measurement)
17. the 32oz Mega Wave cup sitting beside me
18. my 2-year-olds' forearm
19. the basil plants on my porch(see previous post on this subject...)
20. my 3-month-olds' diapers<3
21. most sippy cups
22. the long hand on my clock
23. 
This list was ridiculously hard! I'm sorry to anyone who reads it! But I hope you enjoyed it's complete randomness!!

What Would I Do if I Had a Free Day- Freewriting

It's so funny to me, the thought of a free day is almost impossible to fathom at this point. Being a mom of four, it's not entirely based on my responsibilities throughout an average day, but it has a good deal to do with it. I think a lot of the reason I find it a difficult thought is because of the fun things that happen in the course of my normal day for us. My kids are really fun little people! 

I love making the baby smile, and my 3rd born is such a musical guy; music just moves him. Most toddlers will dance a little as they go through certain stages or when they're prompted by a parent or caretaker to do so. But not Silas, music is in his bones. Its doesn't matter what kind of music it is, how loud or soft, tempo is no hurdle for him. He hears any kind of beat and he just starts moving. He shakes his little shoulders and wiggles his tiny hips. Turns circles and gallops around the room. I've even seen the boy dance to the sound of my bread maker!

It's also funny to me that this post is titled "What I Would Do if I Had a Free Day", and all I've done so far is write about my kids! I seem to always want a free day, I think about pedicures and manicures, eating at the restaurant that I pick, by myself. That would all be nice. There certainly are some stores I would like to visit without 8 little hands reaching for everything on the shelves and 8 little feet running in varying directions! But mainly, I think I would want a day off of our normal routine, not a day away from my family though. 

That's it! I wouldn't take a day off, I would take a free day as the post said. A day free of our normal commitments and schedule. Free from the hum-drum of life as we know it. Maybe go to a hotel in our own city and act like tourists or stay there and swim and play and just plain have fun together. 

But definitely, I would have to let Silas show off his mad skills, definitely have to take Silas dancing!

Jobs I Have Had- Freewriting

Let's see if I can list every job I have ever had...I'm going to attempt to list them in order but we'll see...
Penny Power- I was probably 10 years old and shared this job with my siblings. We made about $15/week each, not good
JParino's- I was a buser and I used to squash the leftover rolls as I bused the tables so my manager couldn't make me reuse them!
Perkin's- I started as a server, I also did hosting and baking over my career there that lasted off-and-on for probably 6 years
FirstUSA- This paid well but I hated it! When people only call you because there is a problem, they feel pretty free to insult you(and your mom...)
Blimpie- I worked here for about 9 days if I recall correctly
Roddie's Salon- I loved working here, doing hair, loved most of my co-workers
Salon Alabaster- I owned my own salon for a couple years, I loved doing hair, hated doing taxes. Business owner is not a good title for me!
T-Mobile- also a horrible choice for my self-esteem, it's too bad I'm so good at customer service! I won awards for performance all the time and hated every minute I was on the phone!
Roddie's Salon(again)- I went back after closing my salon because I didn't want to handle paperwork any longer.
The Cutting Edge Salon- I worked here for 3 years and Really liked it, loved my co-workers, loved my job, didn't make enough money to support 3 babies...
And a final place that shall remain nameless because I got screwed...

Places I'd like To Travel- Freewriting

The first place that comes to mind is Egypt. I have always wanted to go there, especially after seeing the pyramids in "The Chipmunks Great Adventure" when I was little! Seems silly but it caught my attention at the time. I would also like to go to Israel. My parents have gone a couple of times and I think it would be very interesting to see a place that has so much history. Things and places I have heard about my whole life through Bible stories. Greece and Turkey would be great places to visit for that same reason. Plus I have heard their beaches are breathtaking. Speaking of beaches, I would love to travel anywhere in the Caribbean. Turks and Cacaos catches my attention for some reason but I would also like to go to Mexico and see the Mayan ruins. Hawaii is a place I hope my husband and I get to go someday! We talked about honeymooning there and decided on Disney World instead. That was a great choice and we really enjoyed ourselves, but what were we thinking?? We traded Hawaii for Mickey Mouse!
I have always thought Australia would be a nice place to visit as well.. I liked what I saw in "Crocodile Dundee" and "Rescuers Down Under" when I was little! 
I also want to travel domestically. I desperately want to see the northeast during autumn when all the leaves are blazing their fall colors. Autumn is my favorite season and all I have seen are pictures of that area during that time of the year. 
I have been to New York City twice and would love to go again. The first time I went was on a short term mission trip so I saw parts of the city that people rarely catch a glimpse of and I fell in love because of it. I remember walking Battery Park at midnight, looking for people to give bags of food and basic toiletries. Serving a community in Spanish Harlem at a block party(as a clown painting faces), directly across the street from a shooting that had taken place the night before. I love that city, I wonder if I will someday call it home?

Let's Lighten This Up- Freewriting

The Best Movies-
      Well, Dumb and Dumber is hands down the best, for obvious reasons. Who wouldn't like a movie where the characters always say what you were already thinking? You know, those socially awkward things that that you only wish you were brave enough to say. Or the things you're really glad you didn't say at all!! Elf is another great one. You just can't beat finding humor in the simple things. I love that Buddy The Elf wants to hold hands with his new dad at 35 years old, and snuggle. You also can't beat a good romantic movie. I love The Notebook. Yes I'm a total girl. I want a man to love me enough to go through all of the effort to win my heart even when things look like they will blow up in his face. My husband is a great example of the character Noah in the movie. Through everything we've been through in the last four years, he NEVER took off his wedding ring. Never. I also love the movie's with a great moral. The Blind Side, Why I Got Married, Madea(any of them). I think morals can be taught through drama and comedy, that's life after all. Drama and comedy. Dances With Wolves Comes to mind, I loved that movie growing up. And what eighties/nineties kid didn't like The Princess Bride? That's still a go to movie for me and my kids. It's clean and funny and romantic with a bit of excitement for my boys.

Jennifer- The Inconsistant- Freewriting

My life is the consummate contradiction. I believe you shouldn't let people down. I spend a good amount of my time feeling that I have done just that. I have high standards and can't seem to reconcile those with my actions. I guess this is because I am not perfect just like everyone else. Although, I think I come across as having these impossible standards because a lot of my friends and family tend to avoid me when they have done something they are afraid I won't approve of. And I don't approve of a lot of things but as I get older I am realizing how much of my opinion doesn't actually matter. Sometimes my opinion doesn't even matter to me.
    More often than not, I find myself fighting other people's fights. I adopt someone elses' cause. Maybe because I don't have a cause of my own or maybe because I am too afraid to fail or succeed at my own.
    My feelings are easily hurt. I have a lot of substance to me but a majority of the time I find it's easier to hide most of that, to relate on a surface level. If you don't let someone in, they can't count on you, so you can't end up letting them down and vice versa. I find it's easier to live right now as a bit of a loner. Not completely alone, I have my best friend and husband, my kids and immediate family. But, as a rule, I like to withdraw from other people and deal with my life myself. I am the kind of person that when I set my mind to something, it is next to impossible for someone else to change it. When I was in my early twenties, I found out that my parents owned Dr. James Dobson's book, "The Strong-Willed Child". What was worse, I was told they purchased it specifically to give some insight into raising me!
    Is it ironic for me to value my friends who choose not to pass judgement on me? Having strong opinions myself, I find that I spend a majority of my time with other people trying to prove my point. Trying to persuade whoever I'm with to see things my way. I do this because I think my ideas are the best. I know how much thought I've put into them and I trust the transparency that I have with myself and no one else. Maybe I find relief when I am with people who do not require me to do or be anything.

Choosing Home Birth-Freewriting

I'm not really sure when the decision was made. It's almost as if the decision was already there, already decided upon and then I happened by. 

Six weeks after I got married, I suspected I was pregnant. Actually I didn't suspect it, I knew it, I just wanted to know it, know it. You know? I took a test and it was positive. We didn't know what else to do other than call a good OB/GYN we had heard of and make an appointment, like everyone else did. A few weeks later we completed an uncomfortable appointment, with an even more uncomfortable doctor. Uncomfortable is the only word for it really. You see, I went to a female doctor for that very reason, because she is a female. It's no guarantee, but it's at least more likely that she's given birth than if we had chosen a man... because a male doctor definitely hasn't given birth himself :-). 

When we arrived for the appointment it was basically uneventful until the doctor tried to enter the office with a man trailing behind her with no introduction. My husband asked who he was and why he was there and we were informed that he was a student and he would be sitting in on our appointment that day. We requested he leave and explained why we had chosen a female physician. She was none too happy about that but conceded to our wishes. 

Shortly after that day we decided we would not go back, which was good because we received a letter from the office stating they would not see me during my pregnancy because they could not guarantee no males would be involved with the pregnancy and delivery. 

I waited a few weeks to make any other plans, which happens to go along with my general pregnancy philosophy anyway; pregnancy and birth are a normal part of life and do not typically require medical attention or monitoring. I found a friend, an acquaintance really who shared my thoughts on the matter and I inquired who she had used as a midwife. I waited another couple of weeks and called the number she had given me. A friendly voice answered the phone and we chatted a bit. She asked what my feelings were on all of this and I told her my story up to that point, being sure to add that I had always been adverse to the idea of pain medication in labor and planned to breastfeed my baby. She felt we might be a pretty good match so we continued the conversation with her telling me a bit about her practice. 

She had been a midwife for over 20 years and was committed to the health and well-being of both mother and baby. She elaborated on the prenatal care schedule she uses and what I could expect in the coming weeks. And then she said it...home birth. Um, what was that you said? Home birth? You mean like in the 1700's? Thank you for your time, I will call if I have any further questions...

Obviously I had no intention of calling her back. She was a crazy person and could be written off as such. I went on to look at my other options... Hospital birth- tests, epidural, spinal block, electronic fetal monitoring, sedentary labor, induction, intervention...What was I thinking? This stuff was not me!

I began to read as much as I could on home birth and the statistics surrounding labor in western society. Maternal and infant death rates. C-Section rates. Consequences of induction and epidurals. vs Birth in your home environment where you are most comfortable. A birth attendant that has turned into a friend and walks with you through each step of labor and birth. Freedom to move and eat, talk and use whatever position gets you through each contraction. 

By comparison, there wasn't even a question. I felt it deep down inside of me. I wanted, needed to birth my baby into the freedom and love of my own home. The decision was there all along, I just had to find it.

Things I Never Want to Forget- Freewriting

Wow, there are so many things I could write here. I never want to forget how much each of my babies weighed when they were born. I never want to forget what it was like to hold and rock and nurse my little girl(firstborn and 14 1/2mos old) the night before her brother was born. I never want to forget the way my husband rested his forehead on mine trying to gather the courage to kiss me for the first time. I never want to forget what it feels like to do hair for a living, the exhilaration and the always changing environment and tasks. I also never want to forget the way it feels when January rolls around and people have had their hair done for all the holidays in December and I get a $200 check for the month, not fun. I want to remember the way it feels to train for a 5k and complete it. I never want to forget what it feels like to play soccer or the feeling of the first swim of the summer. I never want to forget sitting in my grand parents' house, on the back of the sofa, brushing my grandmother's hair for hours. I never want to forget why I decided to have a midwife and all the evidence that led me to choose a home birth. I never want to forget why I transferred to the hospital with my last baby, never want to forget that I tried everything I could to do it the way we planned. I never want to forget that I am a beautiful woman to my husband. I never want to forget the way my kids look at me when I've done something they think is so cool right now. IIIIIIIIIIIIII I never want to forget my old dog, Amber. She was sweet and great and there for me when I needed her. I did not return the favor. I never want to forget that loving someone does not mean always being nice and not requiring anything of them. Sometimes it means you help them live up to or find their potential. Sometimes it means you leave them alone and stop trying to constantly develop them. I never want to forget that my kids are kids and they will mispronounce words and that is fine, and really darn cute too!

Resaons We Appreciate Our Mom- Freewriting

There are so many reasons why I appreciate my mom. Right now, we aren't getting along the best. I have hurt her because of a decision I have made and she's afraid for me. Afraid I'm making the wrong decision and will be hurt. Afraid I will be wrong and she will have to step up and help me pick up those pieces. I appreciate that she has boundary problems...I admit, an odd thing to value but it means she loves overly much. So much that she can't contain her love in boundaries, so much that she would rather hurt and be afraid than be alone. My mom is so much like me. Or I guess I'm so much like her. I can't seem to have boundaries either. She is so great, loving and open. Not in words necessarily, but facial expressions and in silence. Maybe I can read her silence because it is my silence too. I love to learn from my mom. She doesn't know that. I don't know why it is so hard to say things like that to her. She has such great expectations for us. I know she loves my kids. She has so much fun as a grandma and I love that. And wow! I have to say I respect how she loves my dad. She never picks where they eat because it's not important to her and she knows it is important to him. She loves him very well. He was diagnosed with prostate cancer in May and I know she's afraid but she's just turned that into helpfulness. Researching options and going to and from doctor's appointments. My dad is a very lucky man.

I Believe You Shouldn't Let People Down- Credo Skeleton

I believe you shouldn't let people down. I think we were made for fellowship with other people and need to depend on each other to thrive. I have seen what happens when people are self-focused and unconcerned about others. When we tell each other something, we should come through and make good on our word regardless of the personal sacrifices we make along the way. If we stay others-focused our "stuff" tends to naturally work itself out...