When I'm the Problem Now- Freewriting

This post is a follow up to a previous post...

I like to think that I am not the problem. I didn't start out to be the problem so how could I be the problem now? When did I become the 'bad guy'? I thought all I was doing was reacting to what he did. I guess I kind of convinced myself that's what I was doing. 

Suddenly I had specific requirements and goals that had to be met. 'Suddenly' is probably the wrong word; gradually is a better description. I gradually convinced myself there was no other way but mine to do things. I slowly and gradually convinced those around me that I was right. Maybe I actually was right at one point. I think that I started off with the right intentions of wanting to fix things. But the more I talked about it and mulled it over the more I thought I needed a set of rules to fix things. Not rules for me, mind you, rules for him. 

Only for him.

Because he was the problem. His problems were the problem. All I was doing was trying to fix things, right? The longer I allowed myself to believe this, the worse it was. The more convinced I became, the further I went on a road that doesn't usually allow u-turns. And I was taking all my friends with me. I didn't want to be caught without support in that situation, right? But I was still concerned about him. Him having the support he needed for what I was going to do to him. 

What do you do when you are the one hurting yourself? Pushing too hard for something you're supposed to want, but just don't.

This one just caught me. In the words of my favorite artist:

    "Well everybody's got a story to tell.
      And everybody's got a wound to be healed.
      I want to believe there's beauty here.
     'Cause oh I get so tired of holding on.
     I can't let go, I can't move on.
     I want to believe there's meaning here.

     How many times have you heard me cry out "God please take this!"?
     How many times have you given me strength to just keep breathing?
     Oh I need you, God I need you now

     Standing on a road I didn't plan.
     Wondering how I got to where I am.
     I'm trying to hear that still, small voice.
     I'm trying to hear above the noise 

     How many times have you heard me cry out "God please take this!"?
     How many times have you given me strength to just keep breathing?
     Oh I need you, God I need you now

    Though I walk through the shadows
    And I am so afraid
    Please stay, please stay right beside me 
   With every single step I take 

    How many times have you given me strength?
    Oh I need you, God I need you now"

                                            - Tiffany Arbuckle Lee
                                                  Plumb(you should definitely YouTube her!)

Sometimes it just takes music...