Jennifer- The Inconsistant- Freewriting

My life is the consummate contradiction. I believe you shouldn't let people down. I spend a good amount of my time feeling that I have done just that. I have high standards and can't seem to reconcile those with my actions. I guess this is because I am not perfect just like everyone else. Although, I think I come across as having these impossible standards because a lot of my friends and family tend to avoid me when they have done something they are afraid I won't approve of. And I don't approve of a lot of things but as I get older I am realizing how much of my opinion doesn't actually matter. Sometimes my opinion doesn't even matter to me.
    More often than not, I find myself fighting other people's fights. I adopt someone elses' cause. Maybe because I don't have a cause of my own or maybe because I am too afraid to fail or succeed at my own.
    My feelings are easily hurt. I have a lot of substance to me but a majority of the time I find it's easier to hide most of that, to relate on a surface level. If you don't let someone in, they can't count on you, so you can't end up letting them down and vice versa. I find it's easier to live right now as a bit of a loner. Not completely alone, I have my best friend and husband, my kids and immediate family. But, as a rule, I like to withdraw from other people and deal with my life myself. I am the kind of person that when I set my mind to something, it is next to impossible for someone else to change it. When I was in my early twenties, I found out that my parents owned Dr. James Dobson's book, "The Strong-Willed Child". What was worse, I was told they purchased it specifically to give some insight into raising me!
    Is it ironic for me to value my friends who choose not to pass judgement on me? Having strong opinions myself, I find that I spend a majority of my time with other people trying to prove my point. Trying to persuade whoever I'm with to see things my way. I do this because I think my ideas are the best. I know how much thought I've put into them and I trust the transparency that I have with myself and no one else. Maybe I find relief when I am with people who do not require me to do or be anything.